Sanitus Interruptus

Gratuitous pictures of the little man

2006-11-05T21:20:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like your losing it?

2006-10-20T12:26:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel like your mind is losing all its mental capability?

Since I havent been in school fulltime in over 18 months and three weeks, not that I'm counting or anything, I feel like I'm becoming dumber. Now what I am about to say is extremely elitist and snobby but here goes: I have known that I am quite smart all my life. People have told me and my marks have reflected that. However, when I bombed the LSAT in February 2006, I felt completely worthless as a human. I have always been defined as "the smart one". I know that I have whined about this before. But it's really hard to deal with the fact that I'm not involved with the day to day activities of academia. The clubs, the rallies, the book signings, the lectures, the beers with your professor after class, the hanging around in the Classics office talking about the new piece of pottery I found that proves the thesis I have been working on for 9 months, the insular nature of it all. I miss it so much that I think this general malaise that has afflicted me for the past 6 months is directly attributed to my lack of academic involvement. However, I am determined. I have a conference at which I think I can be accepted for my classical thesis that I have been working on for what seems like an eternity. Also, I took out a record 32 books from the library - didnt know you could take out that many did ya? - and they are all part of an intensive regimen of "re-learning" or what I have called "The Re-Education of Janice Wonton." (btw that is my new nickname at work - at least they are not calling me spring roll anymore.) I have things to focus on and the LSAT and the applications dont seem so looming and dire now as they did even two days ago. And the funny thing is, I'm not so sure I even want to go to Law School anymore. Imagine that!

Hot fun in the summertime!

2006-08-27T15:46:00.000-04:00

Ugh, I'm going to say this once

2006-08-24T11:06:00.000-04:00

Yes I didnt get into law school my first time. And here's why.

I really didnt take the LSAT seriously. Foolish, non? Why didnt I take it seriously? Well, and this is not meant to be arrogant at all, I have always coasted through school, undergraduate included. So I figured the LSAT would be something else I could marginally study for, but not really, and just coast in there and get a kickass mark. I was wrong.
I dont know why the rest of my factors wouldnt have made up for the abysmal LSAT mark. But I am trying again.

I'm not telling you my LSAT marks so stop asking. If you have any tips for post grad admissions essays or post grad life at all, I am open and waiting. As for being depressed, surpringly, I'm not very. I mean I acknowledged almost instantly that my LSAT studying was lacking severly and have taken steps to correct that. As well, with the luxury of time, I am taking some distance ed courses to help my GPA, which although quite good, can always use some help. Also, I realize that there is only one thing that I am meant to do in this world and that is to gain a legal education. I cant explain why or how I realized this; it has always been a part of my psyche. It's funny when people ask "When did you decide to become a lawyer?" because in all honesty, I cant remember deciding. I just remember always KNOWING that I would be one. The road to law school has been a bit longer and has been riddled with pot holes of poor marks, months of waiting and a hope that one day with a little patience I too will do what I know I will excel at.

I was telling Mike that my experience with the LSAT has been a purely psychological test of strength and work ethic. For the first time in my life, I am being mentally tested. As well, my patience, minute by most standards, is also being tested. And for the first time ever, I feel dumb. At least dumber than all those people that were accepted this year. It's hard to explain but I have defined myself as being "the smart one" so when that title wasnt enough to gurantee myself a place in law school, I really had to examine how I categorized myself. I have realized that I am smart but unlike my friend Allison, I am not naturally smart and that at the ripe old age of 23, I actually have to start putting effort into my educational ventures. That being said, I am newly invigorated with this acknowledgement that my smarts have only carried me so far, and with some luck and much determination, I will be posting on here (in a years time) that I am on my way to law school.

That being said, it still is really hard to explain to most people that I didnt get in on my first try.

Reading update 2006

2006-08-23T10:18:00.000-04:00

So remember last year when I said something like "I'm going to read alot of books blah blah blah" Well, you people should have warned me.

Reading books takes time kids. Now you know.

These are the books I committed to reading; some I have read and some I haven't. Deal with it.

The Divine Comedy: Read it. Loved it.
Pride and Prejudice: Havent read it. Deal with it.
The hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy: Havent' read it. Am on the waiting list at the library.
Harry potters: Read the first two, downloaded the rest as audiobooks. That counts right?
The Grapes of Wrath:
David Copperfield
Emma
Animal Farm
Of Mice and Men: Seriously, I hated it. Serious let-down. Ernest Hemingway is on notice.
Crime and Punishment
Memoirs of a Geisha: I havent read it yet. And no, it is not my auto biography.
Ulysses: Very Good. And by Very Good, I mean fantastic.
The Old Man and the Sea
The Age of Innocence
The Satanic Verses: Mike did me the favour of reading this book and declared "I dont see what all the fuss was about."
Mein Kampf: I have been told by my library that its on its way. Its been on its way for 6 months. I think the government is watching my library list.
The War of the Worlds: Havent read yet. In the words of Stephen Colbert, Deal with it.
Art of War: Read it. Loved it. Completely Relevant.
The Histories: L-O-V-E-D. Love it. Also surprsingly relevant for the insight it provides into modern crises and struggles.
Plutarch’s Lives: Again, interesting although Plutarch does take generous liberties, especially if you know the indepth actions of the people he dicusses.
History of the Peloponessian War: Very good. Very, very good. Can't say enough.
Leviathan
The Quran

Summer 2006

2006-08-22T20:04:00.000-04:00

What have I been up to you ask..... Pictures to follow.

The Re-Education of Janice Sousa

2006-06-15T09:34:00.000-04:00

As many of you may have ascertained over the years, I am not normal. In an effort to combat this, Mike has taken it upon himself to re-educate me, in the film sense. You see, every time we are out or someone mentions something about a movie from the 80s, I usually have not seen it. For a number of reasons, I didn’t watch movies during my childhood. In fact, the first movie I can recall watching was the Jetsons and I was 11. So when Mike says something wack, I usually have a vacant stare on my face since I haven’t seen the movie. Well, he’s doing everything in his power to correct this. Therefore in the next few entries I will be reviewing movies twenty years after the fact. I’m a little slow.

This week: Ghostbusters

However I’m going to be doing this in a list format. Type – A personality much?

1. Firstly, Ghostbusters was recognized by the Microsoft spellchecker. Weird no? That’s always a good sign!
2. The scene that sealed the deal for me was the final battle scene. You know the one in which the CGI graphics are so mind blowing you actually think they are fighting a primordial anger god? Actually, it looks more like when my little cousin is trying to imaginary kill his brother; at least that’s how realistic it looked.
3. Bill – Captain Zissou - Murray
4. The Stay Puff’d Man as the beacon of evil.
Dr. Peter Venkman: We've been going about this all wrong, this Mr. Stay Puft's okay, he's a sailor, he's in New York, we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble.
5. Rick Moranis. I’m slowing realizing he is the Jeff “I’m in Every Movie you’ve ever seen” Goldblum of the 80s.
6. The tagline: “They’re here to save the world.” I’m sooooooo jealous that’s copyrighted.
7. Line: “Ray, when someone asks you if you are God, you say yes!”
8. The theme song – your singing it right now, aren’t you?
9. Dr Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!

Mayor: Is this true?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it's true. [pause]

Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.

Walter Peck: Jeez! [Charges at Venkman]

Mayor: Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!

Walter Peck: All right, all right, all right!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Well that's what I heard!

My nerdy senses are on full alert

2006-03-20T13:45:00.000-05:00

I just read on time.com that the Ragin' Cajun and Mary Matalin are going to act as political advisors for a reality show that will center on high school elections.

Those kids are so *earmuffs* fucking lucky.
I need to get the Ragin Cajun for my own run at political office.
If you dont know who the Ragin Cajun is, never speak to me again.
Seriously, why does everyone laugh when I tell them I watch C-Span for fun?

That is all.

Janicisms uttered at her place of work

2006-02-03T12:16:00.000-05:00

1. Janice: "Guys, I think I have the black lung."

2.Caller: "Is Bryan there?"

Janice: "No he's dead, but he will be in later today?"

Caller: "He's dead. "

Janice: "That is correct. His family is asking in lieu of flowers, for people to send boxes of wine c/o the office, Attention Janice."

3. Janice: "It's pronounced Thornsbury, like Porn. Pornsbury. That's gonna sell us some homes"

4. Janice (to her boss): "Stop being a douche. It's not fitting."

5. Boss Number 2: "What street is it on?"

Janice: "I think it is Argentia Rd. in Mississauga."

Boss #2: "Argentalia Rd.? That's kind of weird."

Janice: "Yeah no, its right off of Labia Crescent."

6. Janice: "If you dont stop talking right now new guy, I will perform a sex change operation on you in the kitchen as lunch time entertainment."

7. Caller: "Is Vicki there?"

Janice (knowing full where there is nor has there ever been a Vicki working in our office): "No she was fired this morning."

Caller: "Are you sure?"

Janice: "Yes. I am not at liberty to say, but the police have stated that those pictures are some of the worst they have ever collected."

Caller: (hung up)

Enjoy my children.

I dont want to talk about it.

2006-01-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

Things I don't want to talk about

If you say "Stephen + Harper+ Prime Minister = Janice's head will explode".

In an effort to pretend this never happened, I have begun heavy drinking and plan to do so as long as this government, or my liver, lasts. My money is on my liver.

A second item I dont want to talk about: My beloved Pierre Pettigrew not being re-elected. I dont want to talk about that especially. My heart cannot take this pain.

Things I do want to talk about

1. My newfound appreciation for all things BQ. The militant history, the seething hatred, but most of all the heartwarming belligerence that underlines all their work. This belligerence speaks to the belligerent in me and therefore I am wholeheartedly throwing my support behind the BQ. In this vein, I will be running as a BQ candidate in the next election, which I predict will be in 23 months. Mark my words.

Predictions

1. Election in under 2 years

2. Pierre Pettigrew, Belinda (I am so turned on by her), and Ralph Goodale will all be the most viable replacements for Paul Martin. It will come down to (and it pains me so) Belinda and Ralph. And Ottawa McPenistown is not ready for some Stronach heat YET so Goodale will be leader. And things will be good.

3. Belinda Stronach will be Canada's first female PM. You dont think so crossed the floor because of 'moral' reasons did you? Fools! She knew, like I did, that Canadians would never elect her with that band of idiots (Tories) behind her. And my dear Belinda wants, more than anything, to be PM, come hell or Stephen Harper.

EDIT: I just realized I will be in our nations capital shortly after Captain Retardo is sworn in. Maybe I will be packing some of my friends. Some of my eggs and corn syrup and maybe even a pie to present to the Captain's face. Or maybe I will storm Parliament. Save up bail money people - I'm gonna need it.

My nerdy senses are tingling...

2006-01-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

I just found out that Louise Frechette is coming to CIGI. As in Waterloo.

I know; I nearly choked on the orange I am eating when I read this glorious news.

The references to my varying degrees of nerdiness are unecessary. I am AWARE.

Chile, I mean really?

2006-01-16T13:40:00.000-05:00

What do Chile and Liberia have that Canada doesnt?

FEMALE LEADERS. Seriously, even the Land o' the Pinochet has joined the Women's movement.

Catch up Canada. I'm still having blogger's block. But just wanted to let everyone know that as the rest of the world progresses, it seems Canada goes back in time. If you people elect Stephen Harper, it will be 1982. And I cant handle that shit again.

2006... This is not starting out well folks

2006-01-02T15:31:00.000-05:00

What with 2005 coming to such a bad close, with the robbery of my possessions in SleepyTown, Ontario, I thought 2006 could only prove to start out well.

I was, my children, wrong.

Why? Kevin Federline, or and this pains me to type "K-fed", has released his 'musical' (an I use that term loosely) introduction to the world.

I would pimp his website because its so self involved its hilarious but I dont want to give him the traffic.

Kevin Federline symbolizes everything that has gone awry with North America, n'est pas?

I can't feel feelings

2006-01-01T09:50:00.000-05:00

NewYears Day, 2:00 am January 1st 2006.

Janice was robbed. Now knowing and loving Janice, you all realize that I will hunt down the motherfuckers and distribute some retributive justice. Hence, updates will be sporadic because the lowlifes took my laptop and my modem. They took my camera and left the battery.

Clearly, we are dealing with the Bonnie and Clyde of the modern era.

peace out I am out until I get a new laptop - probably six weeks. I may update at work.

Alert: Minister of Francophone Hotness Attacked!

2005-12-30T16:13:00.000-05:00

That's it - I give up world!

Pierre Pettigrew was attacked in Montreal today in a botched attempt to steal his cellphone.

What is the world coming to when would be thieves dont even respect Ministers of Government?

Thats's it - I'm out world!

EDIT: Update on the Gremlin Phenomenon. The end of Gremlin is over. Rejoice in the post gremlin bliss!

The Sound of Hotness

2005-12-20T11:48:00.000-05:00

"The hills are alive with the sound of racism." - (to be sung)

So, since stupid CTV thought they should replace nip/tuck with the Sound of Nazis on Saturday Night, I decided to watch the Sound of Music. And I have noticed a few things.

1. Captain Von Trapp. Very hot. Very do-able. In a 'fake nazi sympathizer' kind of do-able way.
2. The song Edelweiss. As sung by Captain Von Trapp after he fires Maria and the kids ask him to sing. I assumed he would be singing a non-racist song. I was wrong.

I have transcribed the lyrics here because that's how I do.

Edelweiss, Edelweiss

Every morning you greet me

Small and white, clean and bright

You look happy to meet me

Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow

Bloom and grow forever

Edelweiss, Edelweiss

Bless my homeland forever

This may seem not that bad but take into consideration that I have cracked the code and keep in mind the following parallels. White=Aryan; Clean and Bright = Aryan; Snow = Crack and/or Aryan; My homeland = stay the heck out, Steinberg.

Therefore, in conclusion the Sound of Music is racist, and about 20 years after it was trendy too!

First things first

2005-12-14T09:22:00.000-05:00

1. Has anyone ever noticed how adorable Pierre Pettigrew, Minister of Foreign Affairs, is? That man is a fox. In a "francophone" sort of way.
2. PO 478 exam could not have been easier. Seriously.
3. Is Scott Reid trying to be retarded? Just asking.
4. Do I smell an awakening to the gremlin phenomena? The earth is opening up!
5. Facebook is bloody addictive.
6. Drinking wine is not an addiction.

High School Vol. 2

2005-12-13T08:37:00.000-05:00

Facebook - or as I like to call it "The high school popularity contest I never won for the internet."

That being said, I really dont mind the concept. It's just that it is a way to see how popular (or not) other people you are.

EDIT: I don't think I have ever loved the idea of wine and cheese more than I have this morning at work. As in a whole box of crackers+a slab of brie (orgasmastic) + countless ounces of wine = brunch fit for a champion like me who has to write an exam tonight. I heart brie. That is all. In my defence, it is 11 o-clock somewhere (england?) and therefore my drinking wine this early is not alcoholic in any sense. Don't look at me like that.

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK - PART DEUX

2005-12-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

There were many good candidates including myself. But alas, there is only room for one supreme douche per 7 day period. I dont make the rules; they are god given people!

Hence, without further adieu, here is your DOUCHE OF THE WEEK.

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/mini/CTVNews/20051207/elxn_martin_handguns_051208/20051208?s_name=election2006&no_ads=

Yes, Paul Martin. "Handguns kill people - that's why they exist and they are taking too many Canadian lives." From what I understand, most guns are obtained legally and registered - at least most of the guns used to kill. Also, handguns are not only used to kill people, they are used to ensure payment on loans, intimidate and generally make gangster movies credible.

Ah really?

So I should put the kibosh on my death stare as a means to kill on a whim?

I hear AIDS is killing some people - maybe if only Paul Martin could talk about that also BLATANTLY OBVIOUS FACTOID maybe we could ban AIDS TOO. Since you know, banning things that are killing people is the answer.

Sensing some sarcasm? Good - I'm laying it on pretty thick.

One last word on this subject - Seriously, Handguns? Is he TRYING to lose the election?

Following this, I too have come up with another campaign promise since so many people loved my "72 virgins in 2006" promise

Slogan: Free Registered Handguns so long as they were not obtained from the States and you promise not to kill fellow Canadians. Or at least promise not to mortally wound them because our health care system can't handle that shit. Just show your passport and you get a gun. Because this makes as much sense as Paul Martin's mumbo jumbo. Yes I just used mumbo jumbo in a semi-satrical sense.

Disturbing trends

2005-12-09T08:52:00.000-05:00

1. Winnie the Pooh is getting a girlfriend.
2. I can't taste the alcohol in rye and ginger's.
3. I think the Scottish guy at work is falling in love with me. Who can blame him really?

That is all for now.

THEY KNOW

2005-12-08T08:41:00.000-05:00

Manchester United vs. Benfica in the Champions League.

Benfica (porkchopovian team) wins.

THEY know I (a Man U Fan) am dating a whitey and this is their way at getting back at me.

IT'S ON CHOPOVIANS!

Top Reasons this past weekend rocked

2005-12-06T09:42:00.000-05:00

9. Finding out that an inordinate number of my graduating class from high school works at East Side Mario's. Email me and I will tell you about the interesting ones.
8. Drinking "copious" amounts of red wine (read: I lost count after the first bottle) and not throwing up.
7. Vanier Cup. Now I can tell people I go to Laurier and they wont say oh University of Waterloo?
6. Kilts at Christmas Party
5. Handsome Irish Men almost killing themselves to drive my drunken ass around while I get drunk.
4. Free food. Free good food.
3. Not caring about my part time job anymore and letting that reflect in my attitude.
2. Birthday.
1. Turning 23 and being told I look 18. Jerk!

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK

2005-12-02T08:30:00.000-05:00

Just call me psychic. I knew Harper would deliver!

Douche Job: Leader of the Crazy Conservative Party of Canada

Douchey Action that got him nominated: Pledging to reduce GST to 5% upon election (6% at first and another percentage point a year later.

Douchey-ness of the whole situation: Oh Harper! You big tease! I almost slid off my chair when I heard this crapola. But then I remembered who was speaking. And then I said “You so crazy!” Except I was by myself and my boss walked in on me saying that to myself, so now I look crazy. Not the point. The point is Canadians are going to eat this doucheyness up like it was a free turkey at Honest Ed’s. I think in this newfound spirit, campaigners should just start promising other shit they will not deliver on. As such, here is the platform I will be running on for my own run at PM

SLOGAN: 72 virgins for everyone. 50 in the first year and 12 the year after that. Oh I said it.

Hey if Al-Qaeda can run on it and get elected, why can’t I promise some other shit that wont happen. And yes I just likened myself to a terrorist. I wonder if I will get mentioned on Al-Jazeera today? 14 Juliana is so getting bombed. You may think I am being light-hearted with something as serious as an election but the whole nature of it makes me want to throw up. Millions of dollars are being wasted to entertain Harper’s Gay Fantasy to frolic on Capital Hill and I refuse to take it seriously. I’m all for democracy, meaning of the people, and I don’t include Stephen Harper as people. Techinically, people need a heart. Or conscience.

Maria's girl child, Janice Christ.

2005-11-30T10:36:00.000-05:00

23 long years ago, my mother gave birth to the saviour of the human race.

23 years later, I’m a little behind schedule. But hey, Jesus was 33! LAY OFFA ME!

So I’m old.

I’m dealing.

But the wine and the gift certificate to the Keg will certainly help.

Isn't it interesting....

2005-11-25T10:26:00.000-05:00

I always find it interesting when people say things like "You can't do that". I, fortunately, had parents and family that never told me this. I could do whatever I wanted. I'm not talking in a reckless sort of way, I mean in an "anything is possible" kind of way. I dont mean this to sound like an after school special but a student in one of my tutorial's said something to me on Tuesday and I have been thinking about it ever since.

A girl asked me what I would like to do with my life. Without missing a beat, I answered "I would either like to be Secretary General of the UN or Prime Minister of Canada,". She said "Your delusional , YOU CANT do those things." And I paused and held my tongue and I said "Why not?" And her best response was only that "I just can't". And I was quiet for a few minutes and then I told the whole tutorial exactly what I have written here "I grew up KNOWING that I can do whatever I want to do. I was also encouraged to do whatever I want to do. I feel sorry that some of you have be brought up not being told this. I aspire to great things, because if I dont, no one else might aspire to great things. Saying "you can't do that" is like saying that I should lie down and die. I understand that people dont aspire to the things that I do, but that does not make mine less possible. So when I say I want to be the S.G. of the U.N. I am neither joking nor making a lighthearted decision. I will try to make it happen. And if I dont, no biggie, but at least I aspired and tried. If there is one thing that you gain from this class, it should not be anything about the subject matter but it should be that university of all places should teach you to banish the phrase "you cant do that" from your vocabularly. We spend our days studying great breakthroughs in sciences and diplomacy. If you think "you can't" in my opinion, you should drop out today. University is not intended to teach you, at least in the conventional method. It is intended to make you realize that the world teaches you much more, as long as you let it."

I hate sounding like an ABC after school special but it shakes my core when people say "You can't do that". I dont understand it and I dont understand why people would limit themselves in this way. I can do great things, or at least aspire to, and I think by aspiring I have done great things. I'm not trying to sound self centred - I think all people have the potential for greatness. Most of us never realize it because we dominate our thoughts and dreams by "I can'ts" rather than "I will's".

Winesday

2005-11-23T15:20:00.000-05:00

Box o' Winesday.

As in Windsday = Drinking a box of wine in less than four hours AT WORK. And then thinking, probably with the help of the wine, that it would be HILARIOUS (which it was) to put a first aid kit sign on the wine box when it was emptied.

Gawd, I'm so funny when I'm an alcoholic at work.

Things that make me cry

2005-11-22T22:28:00.000-05:00

Veterans
Cindy Lou-Who. As in the Grinch. She gets it man "Christmas came without wrappings or boxes or bows?" It sure did (does?)
Band-Aids 1984 "Do they know its Christmas". Goddamn British.
Oprah Winfrey. EVERYDAY.
Canadian National Anthem. I cant rationally explain this one.
Kids on the World vision commerical. I feel guilty right after and want to burn all of my GAP clothing. But then I just abuse my coworkers at the GAP affiliate and it all evens out.
Bono. And u2. btw, I have an unnatural affinity for Larry Mullen Jr. And his lack of face time also makes me cry.
Amnesty International Bulletins. It's gotten to the point where I cant even read these at work.
Bonus: I cried out of laughter when I saw "I (heart) Genetiliaeaea" on the bus today. I'm hoping that meant " I heart genitalia" and that someone has not been cursed with that name.
Goddamn dog who I abandoned whining. GET OVER IT! your a DOG! Take it up with your owners. GAAAWDD.
The thought of not getting into law school

However, should you use these against me I will use my spidey senses to obliterate you.
Or I will just use my birthday wish to make you disappear.
FOREVER.
Or for a little while.
Or I will just harass you on a third party's blog. (Right Leah!)

But rest assured, something will be done.

W.T.F.

2005-11-21T15:28:00.000-05:00

Ryan Phillipe was in Toronto on Saturday. More importantly, I was in Toronto on Saturday. Why didnt our paths cross?

Dammit.

WLU related post

2005-11-18T10:15:00.000-05:00

I would like everyone to know that the Polisci department in all its glory has deemed that as of 2006, PO 478 is an elective. As well, the DAWB is undergoing renovations.

A year too late for moi.

ARGH!!!!

Wasabi Nights

2005-11-17T16:42:00.000-05:00

If anyone (Allison, Jen, the husband, Joe et al) says anything about the relation between this entry and my ethnicity, I will snap. Like a ginger.

Wasabi Peas. Know them, love them. Pop one in your mouth and let the revolution of snack foods begin.

Wasabi Peas are a good present for someone (ME) who's birthday is in t-minus 13 days. I'm old in 13 days. That's why I went egging recently. Don't judge.

Or as the young Janice used to say "Don't player hate me" Those were the days my friends.

Is it possible to have an (or 43) anxiety attacks before you turn 23?

THOUGHT SO.

Mementos from Mau

2005-11-16T15:05:00.000-05:00

Things that I think you should know

Writing angry letters works. Seriously. At least when I write them, mostly because I threaten legal action with my non-existant legal degree. "Not only is this level of service severly lacking, it borders on illegal and as such I will be forwarding this letter to my (non-existant law partner) for case review." See I dont say I'm a lawyer; therefore it's a white lie. Supposedly that's a crime. Supposodelly. But if I didnt do something just because it's illegal, I would probably stop giving legal advice to you. And then you would suffer. And we dont want that.
Apple Cider is nectar from the gods. The only thing I have had to drink since Sunday at 8:30 pm is Apple Cider. I am so in love with the cider that I now measure time by it - as in A.C. - ante cider and P.C. - post cider.
Dissolvable stitches are made of cat intestine. Technically, I will be eating a cat in two weeks.
One more paper and then I am unofficially gradumated. Typo intended.

That is all.

heart,

Janice Mau

My people are so smart

2005-11-04T10:57:00.000-05:00

http://aolnetscape.workopolis.com/servlet/Content/fasttrack/20041023/CHINATEN23?section=Technology

“Inappropriate shit Janice has noticed and decides to say aloud to other people”

2005-11-04T10:12:00.000-05:00

‘Sup bitches.

Sorry about the lack of updating. I’m busy getting my life in order. And I just found out that because I’m visiting the husband this weekend, I’m missing out on an all expenses (read: OPEN BAR) gala tonight and I could have gone as my bosses date. WTF! WTF indeed. And last time I checked Windsor, no offence, you are not a gala type o’town.

I will be in Windsor this weekend and the land near Americana always provides me with something to grate about on the ‘net.

By the way, has everyone heard my learning disability story? CAUSE ITS HILARIOUS.

Here is something to tide you over until your next Janice proper update. File this under

“Inappropriate shit Janice has noticed and decides to say aloud to other people”

Scene One: Dentist’s Office
Setting: Getting a cavity filled

Actors: Janice (playing herself), Scottish McAccent (playing my dentist), Poor Witness to the Awkwardness that is Janice (playing the dental hygienist)

After three or four minutes, the actors are waiting while Janice’s mouth freezes so they can begin work on filling her cavity.

Janice, lying horizontal on the bed/chair thing, says the following: Have you (Scottish McAccent) ever noticed how close my head is to your crotch? I mean like patients’ heads to your crotch? Does that bother you? What if someone goes crazy and starts biting at your junk?

Scottish McAccent and Witness to the Awkwardness: Uhhh, Are you almost frozen there?

Janice: Almost. I’m serious; maybe you should wear a jock or something, just an idea.

Starswipe and Scene.

Scene Two: Dentist’s front desk with receptionist
Setting: Booking my wisdom tooth removal operation

Actors: Janice and Poor Witness number 2 (playing the receptionist)

Janice: Have you ever noticed the distance between the dentist’s crotch and your head?

Poor Witness Number 2: Uhhh, No? Why?

Janice: You could totally bite and do some damage is all I’m saying. I suggested he wear a jock and he looked at me like I was retarded.

Poor Witness Number 2: Yeah, so when do you want your appointment?

Starswipe and Scene.

Words of Wisdom

2005-10-31T13:43:00.000-05:00

"There is always the potential for zombies.
Therefore, dont live next to a cemetary."

- Janice

Stupid things Adults say volume 2

2005-10-31T13:29:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051026/wl_nm/iran_israel_dc

Firstly, no he didnt.

Secondly, I have many countries I want wiped off the face of the earth. But I dont go around telling people. Thats career suicide.

Thirdly,I love that the conference at which he announced this was called "The World without Zionism." Do I even need to address this or can we all simply nod our heads in agreement at its lunacy? Thought so.

Fourthly, no he didnt.

Fifthly, fifthly is not a word.

heart,

Janice Mau

Stupid Things Adults Say volume 1.

2005-10-27T15:40:00.000-04:00

I know what your thinking -

"Janice, you of all people should not call people dumb.
You say alot of stupid shit."

I would reply
"Takes one to know one."

Hence the first edition of Stupid Things Adults Say. Unlike that idiotic show that laughs at the idiocy of children's musing, I'm moving on to their parents. ADULTS.

My first entry: Laura Bush. Despite being a librarian she says batshit insane stuff like this in public-

"We know that people who do avoid drugs and alcohol are more likely to be able to get a job," she said in an interview with American Urban Radio Network.

"We want young people to avoid gangs. And we know that if they're not tattooed with gang tattoos, they're more likely to be employable," Bush said.

My problems are in order:

1. Just because people drink and do drugs does not mean they are less likely to get a job. They are less likely to get boring librarian jobs. Because apparently, drinking in libraries is frowned upon. As well, I drink copiously ONLY AT WORK. And I hear her husband does the same. Does she just mean although you cant get a job drunk, being drunk ON the job is ideal?

2. When was the last time you were forced to strip down in a job interview so they could find any possible gang tattoos? EXACTLY.

3. Seriously. I'm a little disappointed. I thought she was kind of smart. As in smart compared to her husband. So by "kind of smart" I really meant "functioning at normal adult levels". Hmmm.

Stay tuned next week for when another adult you know says something I get to berate.

Artistically Inclined?

2005-10-24T14:21:00.000-04:00

Artsy fartsy?

know how to use photoshop?

Bored and want to help me out

Email me - janice.sousa@gmail.com - I have a one page flyer for a business idea I have that I need designed by the weekend.

heart,

Janice Mau

I came, I saw, I drooled

2005-10-21T14:12:00.000-04:00

Rome.
As in the new miniseries on HBO.
As in, my new obsession.

seen here: http://www.hbo.com/rome/cast/

If you want to watch an episode or two, I have them on my computer and can send it to you via messenger etc.

I'm telling you - tis good. And not just because I'm a classics geek. Personally, I could do with more of Lucius Vorenius. a LOT more.

It's because I'm hot for Rome.

heart,

Janice

Oh la Beckham

2005-10-21T09:37:00.000-04:00

Why do I love Victoria Beckham?

That woman is just so damn intoxicating. Everything she does captures my attention - giving birth, posing, even her damn clothing line! I am usually not this into women - I am married - but Chessus Christos I cant look away. I just want to be near her all the time. But not in a stalker way - in a "IcantbelievesheisrealandIcantlookaway" kind of way.

I know she a hollow head with fake boobs etc. But she is just such a caricature of herself its way too amusing not to buy into the whole mystique.

But she is married to Le Beckham.

Nuff Said.

Who could this be?

2005-10-20T18:10:00.000-04:00

Who......

Is failing science?

Is failing gym? (how do you fail gym?)

yet has her english teacher singing her praises?

has the biggest chip on her shoulder that its surprising she can maintain an upright position, what with the gross imbalance of weight distribution?

A: The child.

Q: How much is my fasha going to freak when he finds out about this one?
A: Very much.

Q: Who is the perfect child?
A: By process of elimination (ie - vacant uterus and attending classes as well as not forging my mother's signature) it is I, Janice Mau.

Bonus Question: What is my new nickname for the child?

(Scroll Down for answer)

a: Attitude McProblem.

Conclusion, another week, another week in which I can do no wrong, despite all my attempts.

I'm Selling out!

2005-10-20T11:51:00.000-04:00

Note the ads at the top.

Click on them = Janice gets money.

only 2cents or something mediocre like that. But it may get you a present

*Disclaimer: I wont be buying you a present.

As for the selling out, when was I selling in? I have no credibility, may as well make some money on it.

Dear Saddam

2005-10-19T11:43:00.000-04:00

What's up buddy? Nice suit. I see you got the razor I sent.

Everyone has been on my case about my liking you. But not in that way. No conjugal visits. Stop asking!

I like you in the "he's so bad I want to be near him and maybe be as evil as him" way.

I see alot of myself in you, Saddam. What with the international crimes against humanity, joking around with my buddies while my life is judged live on CNN, but still managing to try to make a mockery of the legal system

I see alot of the Janice that I want to be in the Saddam of yesteryear. Did you ever know that your my hero? Your everything I would like to be.

But minus the rapings. I'm more into the "strike fear into the hearts of family and friends" homicidial bent you have going for you at this point. It's so refreshing that incarceration and being a fugitive for over 2 years have not taken your joie de vive.

Sigh.

heart,

Janice Mau

EDIT: I just found champagne in the secret drawer of the fridge here at work. Can you say morning meeting Mimosas? I sure can! Are there support groups for workplace alcoholics?

I'm not dead

2005-10-19T09:15:00.000-04:00

I just have blogger's block.

I assume on Monday, what with the release of LSAT marks, I should have some illuminating curse words and the like to share with you, the fans.

Until then I wait with baited breath for the beginning of the end of my law school wanting life.

heart,

Janice Mau

Edit: Saddam pleads Innocent? Oh Saddam, Denial is not only a river in Egypt! This is going to be entertaining. And by entertaining I mean, the longest legal case in the history of legality. There I said it. Let's start the show.

Hmmmm montly payments to get an ibook you say?

2005-10-14T11:11:00.000-04:00

Interesting.

As a present to myself if I DO get into law school, a very very remote possibility at this point, i will be buying a new laptop.

Now here is the question: Do I ibook?

Do I become one of those fanatical MAC users?

Any opinions?

Argh - I wish I hadnt noticed that monthly financing plan on the website. And I wish I didnt know that there was an Apple store at Yorkville.

MUHAHAHAHA

2005-10-14T08:58:00.000-04:00

I have killed the spammers.

Janice - 1

Spammers - Dead.

The Bank of Janice does not accept stupid cheques.

2005-10-13T13:22:00.000-04:00

For the most part, I like my job.

For the most part, they don’t get me to do stupid shit.

Because as it states on my resume, I am incapable of dealing with idiocy.

They hired me based on said resume, so I assumed they would understand.

Apparently, my boss’s wife non-comprehende.

So I have to sit there with my fake nice smile on and say “Of Course, I can do that, no problem”

When I really want to say is “I’m not fucking doing that because it’s a gopher job and despite my large buck teeth, I’m not a gopher. I’ m just Chinese.

End Scene.

Dear OLSAS,

2005-10-12T16:37:00.000-04:00

Why you gotta front?

I'm just a average Chink trying to make it in the white mans world.

ARGH!

Work with me!

heart,

Janice Mau

Dentist's. Drop out Doctors.

2005-10-12T15:29:00.000-04:00

Top 8 things I hate about the dentist

8. They don’t understand my profuse mocking of their profession.

7. They never have good magazines in their waiting rooms.

6. They have some delusion that I enjoy visiting them. No one does. Especially me.

5. They blood let like its 1566.

4. They are overpaid.

3. They think that if they say “you should floss” enough times, people will do it. They wont. Unless by floss you mean eat more chocolate. If so, I am Queen of the Flossers.

2. They never have the time I want for my appointments. It’s always when I’m supposed to be eating. It has never served anyone well for me to be hungry.

1. They always squirt water in my eyes. I dont like it. I shower plenty.

Sanity Interrupted goes to the dentist

2005-10-12T15:25:00.000-04:00

A dramatization pour tout le monde

The events preserved here are accurate as viewed by Sanity Interrupted ©

Janice will play the part of Sanity

Vlad the Impaler will play the part of Sylvia the Dental Hygenist

Scene One

Vlad: My name is Sylvia the Impaler. I’m new here!

Janice: Great. Good to know.

(Thinking: What the hell? Do you want a ribbon? How about a chest to pin it on?)

Scene Two

Janice is on her back slowing experiencing extreme blood loss at the hands of Vlad the Impaler. Quarts of blood are everywhere.

Vlad: There’s a lot of blood here.

Janice: Hmpf.

Vlad: What was that? (removes objects from bleeding patient’s mouth)

Janice: Here’s something that doesn’t annoy me. Why do dentists ask patients questions when they have instruments of death in their mouths? Why?!?

Vlad: Geez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Janice: And as for the blood. Here’s a little math formula for you Denti.

Sharp metal object+ stabbing + soft tissue=Massive blood loss.

FYI. It’s not rocket science, just dentistry.

Moment of silence as Vlad reaches for yet an even bigger hook.

Vlad: So do you floss?

Janice: No.

Vlad: All my patients floss. You should floss.

Janice: Interesting. I hate to break your high school heart, but none of your patients floss. Especially the ones that say they floss everyday. They don’t even know what floss is.

Vlad: That’s not true.

Janice: Ok. Sure. I’m the only one who admits they don’t floss

Vlad: Hunh?

Janice: Nothing Denti-bone.

Scene Three

Vlad: So when do you want your next appointment?

Janice: Is never free? How about never o’clock?

Vlad: Which Dental hygienist would you prefer?

Janice: (inner thoughts – This is like asking me which guy I would prefer to stab me. I’m still getting stabbed!)

Narrator’s Note: I actually did say this next line

Janice: Anyone but you.

Vlad: Well okely dokely.

Boo-yah!

Janice –1, Vlad the Impaler –0

Janice: On second thought, let’s just remove all my teeth so I never have to deal with your profession ever again.

End of scene. Exit Stage left.

Bailey's: The new breakfast for those alcoholics on the go.

2005-10-07T10:11:00.000-04:00

Is it wrong that I only drink ON the job?

I think I have a drinking problem.

I had two Bailey’s coffees before 10 am this morning.

Now I have to sober up before I can go to the bank.

My only saving grace: Everyone else was drinking too.

Battle of the Rum Runners

2005-10-06T14:03:00.000-04:00

Don’t drink 3 half priced daiquiris in 30 minutes with your boss and think you are going to act in a manner befitting a proper employee.

Just don’t.

You know why?

Cause that’s a battle you’re going to lose, amigo.

Daiquiris always win. That’s why they are tasty.

I will say this though “Being buzzed at work is entertaining.”

I will say that.

My next vacation is in your hands.

2005-10-06T09:14:00.000-04:00

Top 10 Places I want to go before I die.
And by die, I mean get arrested.

For zee murder.

10. Turkey. The place, not the poultry.
9. Egypt.
8. Africa.
7. China. Don’t even make a joke… Don’t even.
6. Russia. To drink vodka cheaper than water.
5. Galapagos Islands. Which is weird because I generally dislike animalia.
4. Spain. Because I’m muy caliente like that.
3. Hawaii. Remember that episode of Saved by the Bell when they went to Hawaii for Jesse’s dad’s wedding. Yeah. Hawaii.
2. Crete. On account of the geek factor.
1. The Hague. That’s right I said it.
Edit: I dont do top ten lists.
So here is my 11th place.

11.Derka Derkistan.

There. Now make it happen people.
Donations can be sent to Janice via paypal.

That’s right paypal beeotches.

You know your a nerd when....

2005-10-03T11:13:00.000-04:00

Am I a nerd if I still continue to attend Model U.N. conferences even when I’m technically not in school?

Thought so.

Therefore, I must be a nerd if I volunteer to Chair at said conferences.

Thought so.

Let the reign of the nerds begin! Long Live Model United Nations nerds!

Janice Mau's Art of Living

2005-09-29T15:35:00.000-04:00

1. Eat Chocolate whenever possible.
2. Question those who don’t eat chocolate.
3. Tell everyone exactly what your think. Tact is over rated.
4. Make fun of yourself. Being cool calm and collected is boring.
5. Laugh out loud all the time. Being reserved is for losers.
6. Say the crazy things you are thinking to someone you love. Or just someone. It’s good to share your insanity. Keeping your insanity bottled up is insane.
7. Suggest crazy things all the time. Once in awhile, people will do them with you.
8. Say controversial things like “Death to Staplers.” People will begin speaking about such important issues and you in turn will become a guru of sorts.
9. Offer truthful advice to everyone. Then get insanely mad when they don’t follow it to the letter. When they do follow it precisely, demand they address you as their messiah and answer to no other name.
10. Never keep your stupid observations to yourself. They are there to entertain your friends, loved ones and the Internet.
11. Never write stupid top 10 lists. Even numbers are for nerds. 11 is the new black.

Another dolphin tuna moment brought to you by Janice

2005-09-29T13:38:00.000-04:00

So today, we (the people I work with) are sitting around eating lunch together in the kitchen. My one boss (I have four - Office Space is my reality!) says "I may have another Halloween Dress-up party this year."

I say, without thinking as per usual and without thinking specifically about my alleged ethnicity, "Cool! I could be a geisha".

Cue awkward silence.

Which lasts an eternity.

Only to be broken by the ENTIRE, 15 people, office laughing at me. And my one aforementioned boss saying "So, I guess your adopting your people's profession now."

Moral of the story: Think twice before opening your big fat asian yapper.

It's official. I am teflon. I can do no wrong.

2005-09-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

So, I already have a job for next summer.

Here at my current job avec un raise.

And an exciting jobbie.

I will now only answer to Janice Midas.

Because everything I touch turns to gold. Or dies.

Either way, its final.

Commence the discourse centering around my all-around good fortune and intelligence.

Anyone want to spare a kidney?

2005-09-26T09:19:00.000-04:00

So yeah.

Yeah. I'm sick.

Symptoms: Shock, horror, general blindness and dizziness.

Cause: Finding out how much my tuition will be if am accepted to the JD/LLB program at Windsor. Hint: Before I even eat, sleep or clothe myself, it will cost 25,000 a year. Cue the throwing up in the mouth scene. and starswipe...

Solution: Harvesting Organs for profit and minor entertainment.

Hence the Janice Sousa must attend Law School Organ Harvesting Foundation.

For only one organ a month, you too can help Janice become a professional power monger or"lawyer" as the Western tradition calls it. I know what your thinking "Janice, I want to keep my organs?!?" Fair Enough, says Janice. Because she is benevolent like that.

In which case, I will only require your passport. That shit is a much better sell on the black market anyways!

All donations can be made c/o Janice. Please dont forget to store organs on ice. And clean the blood off. I'm no doctor.

Braingasm

2005-09-24T17:21:00.000-04:00

I have never been so academically turned on before in my life.

And I'm pretty geeky, so thats saying something.

He wooed me with promises of eradicating poverty and his hoity-toity (yes those are words) education made me only want his brain even more. Let's just say this, my brain got laid last night. And it was good.

His name is John McArthur. And he's not too bad on the eyes either.

And he wants to save the world. And he, like me, worships at the feet of the one we call "Bono" and "Angelina". Better yet, he works with them. This god of geekery is my new obsession. And he wants to end malaria. Malaria! He is so avant garde I ache in his presence.

Dear Lord, whats a geek to do!

I have a life you know.

2005-09-21T13:23:00.000-04:00

I have a life.

Its pronouced L to the SAT beeotches.

And being the non pregnant perfect child takes up a lot of my day people.

But to tide you over until I can charm your days with my tales of my empty uterus.

La piece de resistance.

Mullet:friend or foe?

Un petit tresor

2005-09-14T18:05:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my siblings, I am the greatest offspring at 14 Juliana. By default. I can also no longer do no wrong. What will my first act in this newfound immunity be?

Not getting pregnant. Thank you Ortho-Tricyclen.

Hey you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em.... Oh Kenny.

If you didnt know what song that is from, I'm no longer speaking to you.

Shout outs to Rob - the original gambler.

I'm so excited I need to change my pants!

2005-09-14T09:45:00.000-04:00

I'm so excited.

I cant fight.

I hope Kofi Annan grows some balls though. Big ones.

He should hire me as his mouthpiece. I could put together some reforms and still have time for jello shooters. Havent these "diplomats" ever been to a Model UN? We are efficient and drunk. That's how world diplomacy should be played out. Or it will be when I become chief diplomat of the world. And yes that is an actual position. With unlimited powers - including omnipotence.

Link - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4245064.stm

Peace out. Anyone going to the John McArthur talk at CIGI next friday? I need an escort.

A summer pictorial

2005-09-12T20:13:00.000-04:00

Yes. That is me. Fishing.
I know, I'm like some sort of outdoorsy strong woman minus the lesbian butch attitude.
No if only I get over my fear of water, I will be the next Jacques Cousteau minus the penis but with the Beret.

Did anyone see the Life of Steve Zissou? Such a good movie. If you have not, I refuse to speak with you until do. Or until you at least get the soundtrack. And let me borrow it. And my borrow I mean keep it. Forever.

Look out!

Stud alert.

I'm sorry - couldnt resist.

What a physique!

He is going to kill me for this one. Whatever, I have a three hour head start regardless.

2005-09-12T20:05:00.000-04:00

Dear God,
this meal made me want to be a vegetarian.

No one needs the much pastrami.

No one.

2005-09-12T20:04:00.001-04:00

Peeps. Maxing Relaxing. Shootin' some bball outside da school....

2005-09-12T20:04:00.000-04:00

The biggest toy store in the world. Most notably, a life size Barbie Dream House.

2005-09-12T20:03:00.001-04:00

Times Square

2005-09-12T20:03:00.000-04:00

Fresh Faced Chink in NYC

Oh say can you see....

2005-09-12T15:43:00.000-04:00

....the idiocy. Can you see it?

Reason number 4,031 I'm glad I'm Canadian.

Confessional Booth: First Edition

2005-09-11T13:44:00.000-04:00

I have a confession.

Before I reveal it to you, please remember that I tell you, my lovely readers, in the hopes that you will still love me and not judge. Remember, I am crazy.

Here goes:

I know all of the words to the Shania Twain album "Come on over".

There I said it.

Let the merciless mocking begin.

BTW, I was thinking of changing my blog name to Sanity Interrupted. Let me know what you think.

2005-09-08T19:41:00.000-04:00

I know. Yet another reason everyone wants to be Janice. Its a hard life people, a hard life.

Dear WLU,

2005-09-08T08:23:00.000-04:00

Don't start with me.

It's Year Five. And I will cut you if you cross me again.

You've been warned.

Heart,

Janice

This blows chunks

2005-09-06T16:26:00.000-04:00

Sorry,

I wanted to avoid talking about the male in my life for reasons that should be obvious - the less I talk about it, the less unsolicited 'advice' people can offer, plus I believe in keeping some things for myself - but I didnt think I was going to miss him this much. And he hasnt even left yet.

Goddamit! He knows I hate to cry. I think he's going away to school on purpose. Just to make me cry.

Plus, I think I'm depressed about not going back to school full time. I miss learning for 8 hours a day.

Yeah I said it. I'm a Geek. And according to the Toronto Star today, I'm nouveau chic. So there, Mickey Rimbo, Toronto Star says I'm cool.

Ugh. I hate being teenage angsty. I feel like an episode of Dawson's Creek. I wish Pacey were here so that he could regale me with tales of sleeping with teachers.

I'm back. In Pog Form

2005-09-02T16:50:00.000-04:00

I'm back.

In Black.

Actually, I'm back and I may have brought the Avian Flu.

What with the beingofthechinese and all.

Anyways, here is some food for thought until I have time to properly disseminate my trip for everyone.

Did you know....

It is cheaper to have a vagina in the U.S.A.?

I am applying for dual citizenship - my reproductive organs will now be American.

This is ridonckilicious.

This entry was brought to you by the word vagina and the number 7.

Janitude

2005-08-24T07:57:00.000-04:00

Janitude.

Taken in part from the Latin god of the doorway Janus. It is represented the blocking of evil from entering the home. Or something like that.

The modern Janitude embraces evil.

Janitude: a lack of concern for typical human convention, interactions, emotions and social nicities. A Janice breed of attitude if you will.

Carriers: Janice. Small doses of Janitude have been implanted in laboratory tests, but no one creature - human or otherwise - seems able to survive other than the initial carrier.

Cures: No known cure to date. Scientists advocate that humans learn to live with rather than cure said affliction.

Root Source: Janice Sousa

Triggers: Ha! This is where the interesting nature of Janitude shows its colours. Until this point, scientists have found that episodes of Janitude have been set off from everything from a lack of salted corn chips to the presence of gremlin-like creatures. The volatile nature of this breed of attitude forces scientists to recommend that those who encounter said creature, lay still, and asquiece to all demands from her.

What can you do?

Stay out of the way. Close your windows. And for the Love of Jebus, Dont become headstrong and think you can take on Janitude. Many a man stronger than you have fallen. Dont join them!